"This music is almost like having feelings!"

-Glorianna, on Barber's Adagio for Strings, Op. 11

"I like the new Mormon Messages -- you know, the ones where Jesus looks like Christian Bale"


"All I can read on my mission is Dostoevsky and the Bible."

"Let's pretend that we're modern art."


"Mom! I'm tired of wiping. So how about you wipe for me today, and I wipe for you tomorrow. When I have more energy."

-Phineas, hollering from the bathroom


"Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"
"I'm a vegetarian."

-Kimber & Hettie

"I would not date a handsome baby."


"Mom, I don't want to wear pants so I'm wearing TWO underwears."

-Phinny (of course)

"I'm Phinny, and this is Hettie. We are both children. That is why we enjoy playing under the table."

-Phineas, introducing himself to a waitress before dinner

"This dog is like a tumor. It's growing on me."



"Here's the thing about Youtube commenters -- they're a bunch of really smart people who tell the truth."


"Hey -- let's pretend we're at a party ...And I'm naked."


"They kill you, but they don't eat you? How very annoying."

-Mimo, regarding bears

"We have a situation: Willa's pizza is on the floor."



"Phineas, I am unconvinced by your crocodile tears."



"I do not smell like urine. I smell like cheese. "



"Are you eating plain butter?"

"You're eating it on bread!"

"I know."

"It's SIGNIFICANTLY fewer calories just to eat the butter."

-Charity & Yoni


"Thomas is graduating from preschool tomorrow. "

"That's exciting!"

"Yes, well, I suppose he has got to do it before he can get his PhD."



"Take off your shorts."


"Um, they're just not handsome."

-Phin, offering sartorial advice to Premal

"Do you want to save this ticket as a keepsake?"

"Ah, yes. That's the day I met my future annoying Facebook friend."



"Of all Heavenly Father's creations, name some of your favorites."

"Thatcher, Auntie Corban . . . and sea monsters."

-Dave & Phineas


"No, they played wiffle ball, which was somehow much more. . . dignified."



"Slovenia has very handsome boys."

"Nice sheep, too."

-Mercina & Glorianna


"If I were a type of meat, I would most resemble veal. I'm very anemic and I don't exercise enough."


"You're a sack of sugar

You make a lot of stuff yummy
You make love stuff yummy
And I don't wanna say goodbye to your sweet."
-Hettie, singing to herself in the other room


"Libby, you look like a walking staircase."



"I like double-stuf oreos more than the new triple-stuf ones."

"Me too; the triple-stuf ones are overwhelming -- I eat two or three, and then I feel sick."

"Yeah. And they can't fit nearly as many in each package."

-Mercina & Glorianna

"I don't have feelings, but I do have opinions."



"I'm OK with -- like -- marrying you for a week?"

-Mohammed, to Mercina


"This ball is heavy. It makes me want to throw it at someone I am annoyed with."

~Mimo on the moral perils of Bocci Ball


"All of our friends are old ladies."

-Glorianna, to Mercina


"I think it's funny when you make jokes about dying, but that's cause I love you. Other people just think it's morbid."

- Yoni


"I never want my children to be teenagers. . . I guess they'll just have to die young."

- Glorianna

"What's your favorite animal?"

"You are!"

- Phineas & Dave


"I tasted a watermelon in this tiny tomato!"

- Phin describes a grape

"His face is like pudding -- you just wanna slap it."

- Mercina


"Do you think I could wear these sweatpants to the office?"



"I need to study very hard so I can be an astronaut when I grow up. You know who else is an astronaut? Mercina and Glorianna's boyfriend."
- Hettie

"My family doesn't drink, but they cook like sailors."



"We're voting for Mitt Romney.
"Um, no."
-Hettie & Phin, totally unprompted, to the lady next to us at Costco


"If you're hungry, don't eat Disco. Eat Phin."

"Um, no. Eat food, okay?"
- Hettie & Phin


"I have a truly beautiful soul."



"It's the first time anyone could remember a shark falling from the sky at the golf course."

-The Associated Press


"Mom, one of your children would like a cheese sandwich, and it isn't Phin."



"So if we make good choices, what will we ultimately have?"

-Charity & Eli


"Tell Phin not to watch me! I'm a private dancer!"

-Hettie, after ballet class


[*Bump* followed by very brief, hysterical tears, followed by silence]

"...Actually, Mom, I decided not to cry."



"Please don't drink the bath water, Phin. It has soap and dirt in it."

"...and pee."

-Kimber & Hettie

*****In September of 2012, I got tired of scrolling to the bottom of the page, and decided to put new quotes at the top. This marks the chronological beginning of these adorable one liners*****


"When I eat doggy food, it is yucky. So don't do it."

-Hettie, to Phin


"When I grow up and get rich, all of my Christmas cards are going to be printed on beaten silver."



"Why are you eating crayons?"

"Because green food is so healthy."

-Kimber & Hettie


"No one could ever love a warthog"

"What about another warthog?"

"No. No, I don't think so."

-Anonymous YW Leader


"I have three sons, and none of them have ever told me that they want to marry an intelligent, spiritual, ugly girl"

-The Same Anonymous YW Leader (she was on a roll that night)


"May I please have scissors?"


"I need to cut Daddy's hair."

-Hettie and Kimber


"Have you seen Oink-oink?  He's a pig that looks like a pillow."

-Hettie to Liberty


"I feel like I'm not wearing enough blush."



"So, if someone doesn't repay your microloan, can you go after them with a micro-baseball bat?"



"You're so short. It's like the press ran out of Play Doh when it was making your legs."

-Kimber, to Glorianna


"If you don't wear something for long enough, you no longer have to wash it."



"You don't just hand someone a placenta."



"That's not as funny as you're hoping it is."

-Premal, to Liberty


"I am the most intellectual of my sisters."



"Sometimes I like to read other people's mail!"



"In the daytime it's light, and in the nighttime it's. . ."

"Christmas Eve!"

-An adult & Hettie, discussing opposites


"The nice thing about 120 volts is it can't really kill you"



"But I like flavorless mush"

-Hettie, asking to eat Phin's baby food


"I have beautiful friends. . ."

-Hettie, in her sleep


"Look daddy! A tiiiny little booger in my cute little hand!"



"Yellow is the best color in the English alphabet."



"Oh! I thought your foot was a dog!"

"Everyone thinks that my feet are dogs."

-Glorianna & Mercina


"Ugh! The dog stinks."

"No he doesn't! . . . I think he smells like roses."

-Glorianna & Momo


"She snuck up on me -- like Potiphar's wife."

-David, on the dog licking his face


"I'm afraid that you're going to electrocute yourself."

"Don't worry! I already did!"

-Mercina & Glorianna


"I think I need to cry."

"Why is that?"

"Because I miss my Daddy."

"Do you want to call him?"

"No thanks. I'm watching a movie... Can you please stop talking?"

-Hettie & Kimber


"The name of this train is Super, but it's terrible!"

-BBC Reporter


"But I don't want to be a whisperer!!"

-A very jet-lagged Hettie at 2 a.m.


"Can I have two halves?"

-Tompkins, about a giant cookie


"Nobody can do nothing, and nothing's worth doing anyway. That's my motto."



Mommy, mommy, mommy, ask me questions about WWII!!”

Really?... Well... Ok. Who was the bad guy during WWII?”

Gadhafi! Gadhafi! Gadhafi!”

-Tompkins & Sarah


"Sorry, Daddy. You sound like an evil robot."

-Hettie, via a bad Skype connection


"When life gives you lemons, rub them in the open wounds of your enemies."

-Karl Kassle


"Can I call you Dr. Edward Cullen?"

-17 year-old peds patient, to Premal


"When you're naked, you run the fastest"



"Jesus is inside the bunny costume."

-MJB, on Easter


"May I bite you, gently?"



"You're not my mommy exactly. But you're like my mommy."

-Hettie, to Charity


"What I lack in punctuality I make up for in inappropriate attire."



"I saw his face, but then he was so handsome that I had to hide."



"Does your dog bite?"

"Oh, only small children."

-Mimo, to passerby on the street with small child in tow.


"Do you prefer showers? I prefer tubby baths."



"I love you."

"Oh, I love yogurt."

-Liberty & Hettie


"You look hot.  And by hot, I mean over-heated."

-Liberty, to Rock Band Dude


"I love Mayumi. I will hit her so gently, it will feel like a hug"

-Hettie, regarding playdate etiquette


"Dogs are like monsters, only better.  Because they're real."



"I went to Hamsterdam, to see tiiiiiny little hamsters."



"Will there be ketchup at the wedding?"



"I slept well -- no monsters came to borrow me to eat me."



"Hysteric glamor relieves tension."

-Korean Tshirt


"It was the coolest thing since yogurt and breast milk!"

-Premal, on Phin's first encounter with bubbles


"Are you sure you don't want one?"

"No, I couldn't possibly eat another bite."

-Mimo (talking about puppies) & Sarah (talking about dinner)


"Can I go to the Promised Land? I think it might be Mimo's house...."



"This music is oppressively peaceful."



"Does this say. . . Taco?"

-Momo, on a T&Co necklace


"May I please make a snowman?"

-Hettie, on the first 100+ afternoon of Summer


"I have to go to the bathroom, but first I must rest."



"Hey! Let's go chase the moon!"



"I found the perfect wedding dress today. There's only one problem: it comes in sizes 2-6 toddler."



"Hey! Don't shine on me!"

-Hettie, talking to the sun


"She's shallow, but I like her 'cause she's pretty."



"P is the dirtiest letter. Because it's in your diaper."



"Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton."

-Hillary Clinton


"You're adorable."

"I suppose I am."

-Zen & Hettie


"I ate pie before it was cool

... and I burnt my tongue."



"If you say something once and people don't respond, say it again and pretend it was a joke. If people don't laugh, say it one more time and if that fails to work, announce it was a joke."



"If I were a Catholic, I'd give up my eyebrows for Lent."



"If I had a house this big, it would have more mirrors."



"It's not broken!  It just needs to be fixed..."



"I like Cozy, but Cozy isn't a genius."

-Hettie, on her favorite blanket


"What happened to you?"

"I fell asleep on my way to the door."

-Glorianna and Mercina


"I know that you hate this more than anything else in the world. That's why I love to do it."



"I love you, Mommy! You're my favorite Auntie."



"Boogers? I ate 100 boogers!"



"How do you spell boutonniere?"

"YUCK! you guys went bra shopping together?!"

-Mercina and Zen


"We don't need really nice things. You know, we could just bring some old trash."

-Glorianna to Mercina (on furnishing dorms)


"Stop being stupid!"


-Mercina & Zen


"I don't think skinny jeans are conducive to potty training."



"I couldn't have gotten more stares if I'd had JLo in my stroller."



"Aww! Cute lil' leech!"



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A hot dog!"

-Mercina and Hettie


"You're not wearing any shoes!"

-Glorianna, upon seeing a %100 naked Hettie


"My eyes are so bad; I'm contemplating studying for the eye-exam."



"I love the handicap stall, it's like peeing in first class!"



"I can send you some porn if you want?"

-Narae, on Korean approaches to hair growth


"This isn't a storm. This is a party!"

-Hettie, on Hurricane Irene


"These people smell like they don't like me."



"You cannot break bread, you can only break yourself against it."



"I'm not good at paying attention.  That's why I have you!"



"What if I put butter on the dirt?"

-Hettie, discussing things we do and do not eat


"They had a Fight Club at the diabetes camp."



"We're gonna go cut up babies. No, not babies, BODIES!"

-Liberty, about her trip with Premal to the anatomy lab


"Oh, Mommy! You're so sweet! ...and sour."



"Satan! Leave our home!"

-Glorianna, every morning, to her alarm clock


"Heavenly Father made you beautiful just the way you are."

"Yeah. And Heavenly Father gave you makeup."

-Kimber & Hettie


"I have a little crush on him -- he's old and very short."



"Coming up four flights is so much easier when you're drunk!"



"My favorite thing to do in hospitals is refuse treatment."



"Ooooo, I feel like an egg. . . No, really, I *feel* like an egg."



"Ugh! There's a bug! On our rug! It's a slug!"

-Mercina, regarding a slug-bug on our rug


"Oh my gosh. This is amazing. What's in it?"

"Butter and cream cheese."

-Charity & B&B Owner


"Logic doesn't make any sense."



"How do I know that Jews don't control the world? The world sucks."



"What doesn't kill you makes you bitter."



"Magician plus Black Belt in Karate equals Ninja, right?"

"You're so good at math."

-MiK and Mercina


"May I please have a weapon? Phin keeps escaping."



"Do you want a pancake?"


"I don't think he knows what that word means, Mom."

-Kimber, Phin & Hettie


"Paul Rusesabagina is a hero."

"I'm a hero, too!"

-Kimber and Hettie


"It's not a reading 'E.' It's an exploding 'E.'"

-Hettie, regarding penmanship


"Some people have a doggie, but some people just have a brother."



"In the meantime, let's read a book."

"Yeah! And in the nice-time, let's watch a movie."

-Kimber & Hettie


"Mommy says I don't have room for my delicious-licious milkshake. But I do! Look! In my mouth!"



"Hey, little Butter Man! Come back to our love-butter sandwich!"

-Hettie to Phin, regarding group hugs


"You have a booger on your face, Cowboy."

-Hettie, to a Stetson-topped Phin


"Do not hit your brother with a shoe!"

"Mom. It was a slipper."

-Kimber & Hettie


"My legs are sore from eating so much."



"I love you, lights!"

-Phin, on a particularly spectacular Christmas display


"If you gave me your heart, I would keep it like a treasure."

-Hettie, after being serenaded with the Wham! Christmas song


"Those aren't shorts, they're double-thick underwear."



"Tell Zen I have a birthay present for him, but your Mom needs to sign a waiver before he can use it."



"I poured ink into the Brita filter."



"I am grateful to her for giving me sugar."

"That's what he said. . ."

-Mercina & Glorianna


"This is a phone for Democrats..."

-David, regarding his company-issued iPhone


"Ugh. How would you make fondue without wine?"

"Beer and cheddar."

-Glorianna & Zen, on alcohol-free cuisine


"Momo will be right back. She just has to go out to buy some drugs."

-Mimo, to Hettie & Phin


"After lights out, you could sell warm, crotchy peanut butter for anything."



"Please water me, Mommy."

-A very thirsty Phin


"I want to eat all of the raspberries, but you can have the bananas and the apricots because I'm not selfish."



"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear."

-German Police Investigator


"I didn't hear what the question was, but the answer is 'milkshake.'"

-Auntie K


"No amount of diligence can counteract an incredibly devious, highly sedated Charity."



"I feel like I'm wearing baby pajamas."

"You look like you're wearing baby pajamas."

-Shiloh & Glorianna


"According to the Gummy Vites bottle, I've eaten the equivalent of 300 tangerines today."



"Dogs are lucky, because their shoes are attached."

-Hettie, on missing footwear


"I think the radio is broken; I can't hear the 'green-speckled frog song.'"

"That's because we're listening to All Things Considered."

-Hettie & Kimber


"Is that smell your gum or my deodorant?"



"Wow, Mommy! Snowman cars!"

-Phin, on post-flurry vehicles


"This is worse than learning about Santa Clause... because I kind of already knew about Santa."

-Mercina, on the facts of becoming a man


"She's like my best friend--which is funny, because she tried to pull out my eyebrows last night."



"Lung transplant?! I didn't know they could do that..."

-The doctor filling in for Kimber's regular Ob


"What day is it?"


"Oh! Happy Tuesday, Mom!"



"He was like a grandfather to me"

"Did you ever meet him?"


-David & Kimber, regarding Ronald Reagan


"I found a tiny ant and she looked cold, but I couldn't find her jacket. So I just put her in my sock."



"It's part 'Rite of Spring', part 'Davy Crockett'."

-Mercina, on Momo's newly purchased 'Boroque Folk' CD


"How about you give me some cookies, and then we watch a movie?!"

"That sounds like a good deal."

"No, that sounds like a good plan!'

-Hettie & Kimber


"That is not good, but I like it!"

-Hettie, regarding David's homemade kefir


"Do you want a sweater?"

"I already have a little sweater in my bellybutton."

-Glorianna & Charity


"Delicious! Smell this!"

"Delicious! Smell this!"

-Hettie (regarding a silk potpourri sachet) & Phin (regarding used dental floss)


"What sports will you let your kids play?"


-Shiloh & Glorianna


"Phin, reaching down your mama's shirt is sketchy."



"You can't eat plain mayonnaise."


"It's like eating plain butter!"


-Charity and Yoni


"Ugh!... Oh no!... Mommy ... I'm nude."

-Phin, after waking up from a nap in his diaper.


"You're my little boy."

"No! I'm your cute little boy!"

-Kimber & Phin




"No, with tongue."



"Your guys' definition of 'cool' is literally everybody else's definition of 'dorky'."



"Sometimes I step on Phin's toes. But then I forgive him."



"I suppose you don't actually need to improve your handwriting. These days, everyone uses typewriters."



"But I can't go! I'm her protector!"

-Hettie, about Willa


"Are these eyebrow-removing forceps yours?"

"Do you mean tweezers?"

-Premal & Liberty


"I love my kidneys. They help me pee."



"Have you been playing titty twisters with girls?"

-Momo, to Zen


"Mommy, when I grow up, I'll be a lawyer girl. And Phin will be a lawyer boy. And daddy will be an old lawyer. And you'll be. . . an old woman."



"You're my lil' penguin -- because you're sweet, monogamous, and will one day raise my children."

"I love you like an avocado -- because you're the good kind of fat"

"You're like a dog -- I want you"

-Glorianna, Liberty, & Mercina's new terms of endearment


"Hey, Mom! Your boobies are a parking lot!"

-Phin, after driving a Matchbox car down Kimber's shirt


"At least she would die free and happy."

-Hettie, regarding Dolley Dog's possible leap from a third floor balcony


"I want to do this, and I want to do it now. I'm going to sit here like an angry drunk 'til it happens."



"Isn't this sweet? I'm pretending to care for Phin."



"Bee spit! My favorite!!"

-Hettie, regarding honey